I guess it’s time for a little vent session, so shall we?

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Society is often only vaguely aware of the transgender/transsexual experience, so it’s no wonder they are also so clueless when it comes to what it means.  Sometimes people view being transgender as “The best of both words”, but this is overtly shortsighted.  Being trans is a fucking nightmare, and it fucking sucks.  There is nothing nice about being a woman with a penis, or a man with a vagina.  This may not be the opinion of everyone… I am sure their may be at least one trans man who likes his vagina or has come to a balance with it, and one trans woman who likes their penis and did the same, but this is likely not the vast majority (Note: This positional statement is not to marginalize non-op trans people, nor is there any evidence to suggest it’s true.  I was very emotional at the time of the post, and that was the governor of my position.  Being non-op is as valid as being pre/post-op and I apologize for the insinuation in this assertion.)  Being transsexual is a lot about one’s body and ones anatomy, and while it is possible to find satisfaction for some without having sexual reassignment surgery  it’s a freaking nightmare for those of us who can’t.   Either path is valid, but people can be really hateful about our genital anatomy and it’s kind of heartbreaking really.  They may say things like, “Why can’t you just be okay with what you have”, or being “Like everyone else is great”, but that is also so dismissive and deflects understanding.  If we could have found a way to find to be okay with our anatomy we would have long before our “trans-ness” came to your attention.

Because I am a transwoman so many people make the instant assertion that because I have a dick, that I must like using it… That “best of both world misconception”, or some believe that “I must want to covert you to liking penis” if you get with me… Hell, I don’t even want the damn thing, so where does someone get off thinking I somehow am trying to make you like?  If I don’t like it what makes anyone think I’m going to be okay with you having anything to do with it?  I have heard the argument before as an invalidating remark that ‘Most transwomen keep their original anatomy’, but completely disregard the greater issue with why that is.  First off, that remark is wrong for many reasons.  Surgery is prohibitively expensive and with oppression both in employment, and lack of possible insurance coverage it becomes an issue of financial inequality.  Only those with money can afford to get the surgery, or those with some sort of help.  It’s not unheard of, but if you aren’t one of those lucky ones you face a fierce uphill battle to get the funds to do it.

Additionally, there is a good deal of risk, and even with as advanced the surgery is you could lose all sensation, suffer an anal vaginal fistula, and various other risks that come with getting the surgery, as well as extensive recovery times.  Also, it’s impossible to create a vagina that is exactly the same as a natal female would be.  And the last issue with surgery is even if it goes well it requires consistent upkeep, because if you don’t dilate you are going to lose out, decreased depth, or the vagina healing closed.  So many considerations that can make the potentials of surgery less appealing that the equally painful prospect of living with the anatomy that makes sexual intimacy, something most certainly traumatic on its own.  It’s easy when denying all those factors to say that “most transwomen keep their original anatomy” as if it’s a matter of preference, but it doesn’t make it true.  A more true statement would be to say, that many keep their original anatomy because the surgical option either seems too expensive, unfeasible, or too risky, not out of real want to keep their anatomy (something that is a product of a lack of options, not a choice).  Considering the options, and the challenges to getting surgery many can’t or find the prospect of taking something unpleasant but functional and making it pleasant but nonfunctional a distressing possibility.  Sexuality is an important aspect of human nature, and permanently damaging that function can have a harmful effect on a person and their well-being.

But for some of us, we are barely if at all able to act with inappropriate sexual anatomy.  The idea of living with my anatomy at birth is more than I can take some days.  It hurts me in ways no cisgender person can imagine.  When I am put into a situation where I have to play the role of male during sex it feels like rape, and all I can do is bawl my eyes out over it.  (Note: This refers to the heteronormative role of men during sex, not to penetration or sexual dominance.  Having sex as I did as a male is triggering, and having penetrative sex with my birth anatomy is psychologically traumatic.  This refers only to socially male attributed sex roles only.  I like penetrative sex, just not with my anatomical equivalent ** see comments).  No matter what I have tried in my life it’s never felt right… Always hollow, and superficial, and ultimate painful.  I can use it, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t have anything else, and I have physical needs still.  But, I can’t use it in a male capacity.  Any beneficial use it could give in providing for my sexual intimacy needs is canceled out by the fact that it is traumatic and can be emotionally upsetting to engage in sex.  People often exist in a state of ignorance to this, that some will say that because I have a penis that I intend on using it, or that I have any such affinity for it.  Transition is hard as hell on a person, and there is no “Easy” button regardless of what level of medical intervention is necessary to make you feel complete.  It is possible that I could find a happy medium before my surgery in intimacy using supplementary apparatuses verses my own anatomical equivalents, but it will eventually come to a point where that isn’t possible.This image says it all.

A point where gender dysphoria will make remaining pre-operative an emotional burden that requires surgery to fix, or face the darker result that comes with depression, and suicidal ideation.  Essentially, when it comes down to it, I’d rather die than live with my anatomical configuration for the rest of my life.  It’s too painful… it tears me to pieces.  It chews my heart up, and I just can’t take it some days.  Even without having sex, just the reminder is enough to make my heart ache.  I feel incomplete, I don’t feel whole.  All the damn thing has done for me is get caught in my zipper, be really uncomfortable in pants and underwear, and generally just a meaningless obnoxious appendage.  I am of course making something of a joke out of that, but the consequences of what it does to me emotionally and psychologically are too powerful for me to simple ignore.  Cisgender people just can’t relate to that, and it’s simple as to why you can’t… Because you aren’t distressed with your genital anatomy to a point where it makes functioning as that traumatic enough that you need to do something about it.  But don’t project your own personal beliefs on to me because I am sorry, telling me that I should be okay with what I got isn’t going to make the pain I feel with having it just go away.

It is shortsighted and wrong to dismiss that, and I can’t even begin to explain the level of horrific it is being trans on those days when you heart already aches from being isolated by a society that refused to pull its head out of its ass and see you as a human being, and treat your condition with the credence and necessary measures it requires without deriding your value.  We don’t choose to be trans, we don’t choose to need surgery to fix that, however, your ignorance is most assuredly a factor of choice.  You don’t have to ignorant, but if you are it’s your fault not ours.  The information is out there, and there is no excuse for ignorance, bigotry and discrimination.

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