I guess it’s time for a little vent session, so shall we?
Society is often only vaguely aware of the transgender/transsexual experience, so it’s no wonder they are also so clueless when it comes to what it means. Sometimes people view being transgender as “The best of both words”, but this is overtly shortsighted. Being trans is a fucking nightmare, and it fucking sucks. There is nothing nice about being a woman with a penis, or a man with a vagina. This may not be the opinion of everyone… I am sure their may be at least one trans man who likes his vagina or has come to a balance with it, and one trans woman who likes their penis and did the same, but this is likely not the vast majority (Note: This positional statement is not to marginalize non-op trans people, nor is there any evidence to suggest it’s true. I was very emotional at the time of the post, and that was the governor of my position. Being non-op is as valid as being pre/post-op and I apologize for the insinuation in this assertion.) Being transsexual is a lot about one’s body and ones anatomy, and while it is possible to find satisfaction for some without having sexual reassignment surgery it’s a freaking nightmare for those of us who can’t. Either path is valid, but people can be really hateful about our genital anatomy and it’s kind of heartbreaking really. They may say things like, “Why can’t you just be okay with what you have”, or being “Like everyone else is great”, but that is also so dismissive and deflects understanding. If we could have found a way to find to be okay with our anatomy we would have long before our “trans-ness” came to your attention.
Because I am a transwoman so many people make the instant assertion that because I have a dick, that I must like using it… That “best of both world misconception”, or some believe that “I must want to covert you to liking penis” if you get with me… Hell, I don’t even want the damn thing, so where does someone get off thinking I somehow am trying to make you like? If I don’t like it what makes anyone think I’m going to be okay with you having anything to do with it? I have heard the argument before as an invalidating remark that ‘Most transwomen keep their original anatomy’, but completely disregard the greater issue with why that is. First off, that remark is wrong for many reasons. Surgery is prohibitively expensive and with oppression both in employment, and lack of possible insurance coverage it becomes an issue of financial inequality. Only those with money can afford to get the surgery, or those with some sort of help. It’s not unheard of, but if you aren’t one of those lucky ones you face a fierce uphill battle to get the funds to do it.
Additionally, there is a good deal of risk, and even with as advanced the surgery is you could lose all sensation, suffer an anal vaginal fistula, and various other risks that come with getting the surgery, as well as extensive recovery times. Also, it’s impossible to create a vagina that is exactly the same as a natal female would be. And the last issue with surgery is even if it goes well it requires consistent upkeep, because if you don’t dilate you are going to lose out, decreased depth, or the vagina healing closed. So many considerations that can make the potentials of surgery less appealing that the equally painful prospect of living with the anatomy that makes sexual intimacy, something most certainly traumatic on its own. It’s easy when denying all those factors to say that “most transwomen keep their original anatomy” as if it’s a matter of preference, but it doesn’t make it true. A more true statement would be to say, that many keep their original anatomy because the surgical option either seems too expensive, unfeasible, or too risky, not out of real want to keep their anatomy (something that is a product of a lack of options, not a choice). Considering the options, and the challenges to getting surgery many can’t or find the prospect of taking something unpleasant but functional and making it pleasant but nonfunctional a distressing possibility. Sexuality is an important aspect of human nature, and permanently damaging that function can have a harmful effect on a person and their well-being.
But for some of us, we are barely if at all able to act with inappropriate sexual anatomy. The idea of living with my anatomy at birth is more than I can take some days. It hurts me in ways no cisgender person can imagine. When I am put into a situation where I have to play the role of male during sex it feels like rape, and all I can do is bawl my eyes out over it. (Note: This refers to the heteronormative role of men during sex, not to penetration or sexual dominance. Having sex as I did as a male is triggering, and having penetrative sex with my birth anatomy is psychologically traumatic. This refers only to socially male attributed sex roles only. I like penetrative sex, just not with my anatomical equivalent ** see comments). No matter what I have tried in my life it’s never felt right… Always hollow, and superficial, and ultimate painful. I can use it, don’t get me wrong. I don’t have anything else, and I have physical needs still. But, I can’t use it in a male capacity. Any beneficial use it could give in providing for my sexual intimacy needs is canceled out by the fact that it is traumatic and can be emotionally upsetting to engage in sex. People often exist in a state of ignorance to this, that some will say that because I have a penis that I intend on using it, or that I have any such affinity for it. Transition is hard as hell on a person, and there is no “Easy” button regardless of what level of medical intervention is necessary to make you feel complete. It is possible that I could find a happy medium before my surgery in intimacy using supplementary apparatuses verses my own anatomical equivalents, but it will eventually come to a point where that isn’t possible.
A point where gender dysphoria will make remaining pre-operative an emotional burden that requires surgery to fix, or face the darker result that comes with depression, and suicidal ideation. Essentially, when it comes down to it, I’d rather die than live with my anatomical configuration for the rest of my life. It’s too painful… it tears me to pieces. It chews my heart up, and I just can’t take it some days. Even without having sex, just the reminder is enough to make my heart ache. I feel incomplete, I don’t feel whole. All the damn thing has done for me is get caught in my zipper, be really uncomfortable in pants and underwear, and generally just a meaningless obnoxious appendage. I am of course making something of a joke out of that, but the consequences of what it does to me emotionally and psychologically are too powerful for me to simple ignore. Cisgender people just can’t relate to that, and it’s simple as to why you can’t… Because you aren’t distressed with your genital anatomy to a point where it makes functioning as that traumatic enough that you need to do something about it. But don’t project your own personal beliefs on to me because I am sorry, telling me that I should be okay with what I got isn’t going to make the pain I feel with having it just go away.
It is shortsighted and wrong to dismiss that, and I can’t even begin to explain the level of horrific it is being trans on those days when you heart already aches from being isolated by a society that refused to pull its head out of its ass and see you as a human being, and treat your condition with the credence and necessary measures it requires without deriding your value. We don’t choose to be trans, we don’t choose to need surgery to fix that, however, your ignorance is most assuredly a factor of choice. You don’t have to ignorant, but if you are it’s your fault not ours. The information is out there, and there is no excuse for ignorance, bigotry and discrimination.
Related articles
- Transsexuality – How Biologic Destiny is wrong (renetaxian.wordpress.com)
- Transexuality – A Feminist’s Guide (renetaxian.wordpress.com)
- Gender Identity – Stereotypes and Gender (renetaxian.wordpress.com)
- [Statement] Gender identity is a human right – STRAP (hronlineph.com)
- Trans Health Talk (healthyheels.wordpress.com)
Reneta Xian 
greetings by
The levels of ignorance and unwillingness of the majority of society to learn and understand others disappoints me daily. Just a small amount of self-education can make such a huge difference to acceptance and tolerance, one does not have to agree with everyone, but respect costs nothing but the time it takes to learn it. I wish more people would take that time! xx
Thank you, and that is a wonderful position to take. Too few people do, and it can be disheartening for certain. It’s why I feel it’s good for my journal to be out there, for my dialog for my thoughts. The internet has in a way become my diary in some degrees, though I’d argue it’s somewhat less personal because it is public. My hope is to give that insight to those who want to learn, and to stand up against those who hate me. Silence can be the deadliest weapon.
I am thankful and happy for your sentiments, and it is thoroughly appreciated. I am glad there are people like you out there. :3
you wrote ALL the awesome/true things. word.
Don’t take it personally. The problem isn’t that they refuse to understand others, but rather that they refuse to understand themselves. Modern civilization follows more and more so a philosophy that requires a universal society; there’s a few different branches of it, but they all require the existence of a standardized kind of human being, with finite and predictable wants. Only then, the philosophy holds, can there be a freedom from want. The only catch, of course, is that there is nigh infinite individual variation in human beings (as with other phenomena), which means that attempts to standardize them merely suppresses unpredictable desires, rather than eliminates them.
Transgender people aren’t any more defective than those individuals that better meet the arbitrary “standard” imposed on “society”. Rather, transgender and other outliers in the human diaspora represent attempts at self-repair by imperfect creatures in a no more perfect aggregate. What a person is, what a person wants…these basic questions must be answered before a human life can be truly lived. And yet, most humans are likely hungry ghosts, filling the internal void with moral self-congratulation if trapped in a more socialist subset of the dominant mentality, or “stuff” if trapped in a consumerist one. Yet time marches on, and some adapt. Evolution sure likes to take its time, doesn’t it
I’d also like to add, that while being trans and pre-operative does suck, and it’s those days when you are already frustrated that it gets under you skin that overall I am pretty happy. But it does bring with it a bit of flux, but I don’t know of a lot of people who don’t. Even though I feel certain about things with myself, I always test, and re-evaluate my intentions, and always leave myself room for adaptation. I just feel it’s wise to search and research my feelings because people are irrational creatures, sometimes not even able to understand their own feelings and wants.
What that means is that I consider all possibilities at all times, that even though I have made the decision to begin pursuing surgery I keep my options open for other opportunities. I wish there was a better way to reach my goals without the risk that comes with surgery, but we take things as they go. And when I say that I keep my possibilities open, I mean to say that I listen to myself honestly and introspectively to make sure I make the right choices for me. Being who I am now is not subject to re-evaluation, but how I make that path is something I keep my eyes on.
classism is totally involved in this, isn’t it? people with money simply have more options than people who don’t have money. shitty but fucking true. i think physical transition (hormones, surgery) should be completely covered for people who don’t have much money. for people who need hormones and/or surgery, they’re fucking necessary for life (as you know).
“When I am put into a situation where I have to play the role of male during sex…”
this really gets me. i mean, there is no “male role”. on top and penetrating isn’t a male role, is it? cuz when i put on a strap-on and get on top, i’m not playing a male role, ya know? and women can totally penetrate/top their partners while still being totally feminine. some of the hottest femme-iest ladies i know like to use strap-ons and top their partners. but that probably isn’t what you meant and these things don’t always make sense. you certainly have a right your feelings, cat. i’m not trying to jump all over you and i’m not saying you shouldn’t have issues with certain sex acts. sexual dysphoria is serious. your words just got me; sorry for being fussy.
the other thing i’d be careful about is saying that you don’t think very many trans* people are comfortable with their “original” bodies. it sorta marginalizes non-op/non-ho trans* people– though i know you didn’t mean anything by it. again, i’m just being fussy.
oh, cat, i sincerely hope this all works out for you– like, surgery tomorrow and all healed and healthy 2 days later (like magic). …maybe if i wish really hard for the extreme/impossible awesome, the possible awesome will get the idea. *wishes for ALL the awesome to land on reneta* yeah. this post makes me all emotional; it makes me feel shitty when you feel shitty. you can always email/message me if you want/need to talk. and thanks for sharing your feelings with us; your brain/soul is just fucking rad.
Classism, certainly. It’s like Ragu, it’s in there. And you are totally right.
As for male gender role, I was referring to the act of participating in heteronormative male sex roles (socially expected sex roles), not to the act of penetration itself. I have no problems with the later, and take issue with the former. I actually enjoy both penetrating and penetration, but the penetrating part must not be part of my body. That is the conclusion I have come to via previously mentioned painful experiences. Now, like I said prior, it’s not impossible for me to find happiness as a non-op, just highly unlikely. It would require me avoiding many sexual actions on the premise of them being triggering.
You are right, that doesn’t make male role as a woman can do that as well. And that leads me to this… I apologize for the assertion made in my somewhat irrational emotionally fueled blog. I understand the need to change ones body and the need to change ones anatomical sex are somewhat separate and believe both paths are valid. The assertion that most would have surgery if it were more available, more feasible, or otherwise is a flawed assertion for which I have no evidence. It was derived from through my irritation with the fact that people like to deride our “womanhood” by saying that having a penis = really a man, and it doesn’t.
That was part of the point I was making in addition to destroying any argument of derision via false dichotomy of choice. Even if you wanted/needed surgery it is still difficult at best. Anyone stating that non-op is a cop out, or vise versa will get an earful from me, that I promise you. I have had a few non-ops call pre/post-ops choice a “Cop Out”. Regardless of ones status or choices within their condition, being transsexual isn’t a choice. Thank you for pointing out the meaning I missed in my choice of words, Mx. Punk. As always I welcome your words, critique, and advise on these issues.
I feel very much like you do, and feel very emotional moved by the things going on in your life, and in your state of mind. I get upset when I see you distressed as well, moved to tears sometimes. I’ll take all the magick I can get, and I’ll send you my magicks as well in rainbow colored wrappers that make quite the mess with cat peoples open them. (Reference to your wrapping paper/holidays blog). I will make notes in my blog noting the things you mentioned. I sends you rainbow colored hugs and sparkles. :3 Mew. I also greatly enjoy your thoughts on things. The think tank band is my favorite band in all of the multiverses!
“I apologize for the assertion made in my somewhat irrational emotionally fueled blog.”
no need for apologies, cat! i knew you didn’t mean anything by it and i know (i KNOW! oh, i knowwww…) about emotionally-fueled posts can be. oog. we can’t think of everything. ‘s’all sweet, my treasure-hunting/space-adventuring friend.
i know that SOME currently non-op/non-ho trans* people would transtion medically if they could afford it. SOME, for sure. maybe LOTS. again, i know you didn’t mean anything by it, though.
“It would require me avoiding many sexual actions on the premise of them being triggering.”
ouch. i can’t say i know what that’s like as i don’t experience sexual dysphoria. i experience social dysphoria by the crushing truckload and i have trouble with my inside-junk (ew!), but i don’t experience dysphoria during sex. i wish i could make it leave you alone, though. i hope you live in a place where trans*-related surgeries aren’t IMPOSSIBLE to obtain. also, i apologize if i appeared to trivialize your body dysphoria in my earlier comment. i don’t know what it’s like, but i imagine it must be impossible to deal with. but hugs, magic talismans, and luck for your journey!
i like the pic at the top of your blog, btw. 🙂
Thank you for your sentiments and kind words as always. Yeah, dysphoria when it comes to sexual activities is certainly no fun, but it can be revealing. I don’t feel you trivialized that in the least bit. I was happy for your input, and you were right in that the way in which I meantioned it was a little too general and could be equated to something it wasn’t. That was surely not the message I was trying to send at all. The clearification that came out of it is probably useful too. That is all good by me, and no need to apologize as I liked and appreciated it and I knew you meant no ill by it. I am certainly also not the only person who experiences that. I have had sexual experiences that weren’t triggering, but it’s difficult to know which are, and could be “problematically limiting” in a intimate relationship. While sex isn’t too terribly necessary for me so it’s not too bad, but as a demisexual I am liable to become sexually attracted to anyone I form a close romantic bond with, and it will certainly come into play.
Maybe in the future human beings will come up with a better and more effective way to give people what they need to complete them, and not just the superficial sense they do now. It would certainly be a better world if they didn’t make everything so damned expensive too. We just need more acceptance, more knowledge, and better techniques for all this, and I know one day it will happen. However, it’s like that TV dinner you are microwaving, it always seems to take forever to get done. Oh, and thankies for the magic talismans… Mew :3
I also realized something else… My very “triggered” response to that “heteronormative male sex role” relationship (more like fling) I had may actually have more to do with, or as much to do with my demisexuality. I wasn’t emotionally involved with the person, so I felt as if the act of being intimate with them as painful. So, it could be a culmination of both how I feel about my anatomy, as that is most certainly part of it, and the fact that the action went counter to my demisexual nature.
Being demisexual and having sex with people I wasn’t bonded well enough with has been a problem before I transitioned. I really think I have been demisexual, pansexual this whole time. I’d say that is a profound realization in itself. Do you know anyone else who has been through that who is demisexual? Someone who was generally only attracted to people they were emotionally intimate essentially feeling cheated by an encounter where they didn’t have that prerequisite?
I have been having lots of awesome epiphanies because of our discourse lately, and it makes me quite intrique and happy. Between my comments on your 10 Pansexual Myths, and here it’s been really insightful all around. Perhaps I am just hitting one of those maturity points that comes with transitioning, who knows. But your insights, comments, and inputs are super ultra mega stellar rainbows, I swear! :3 It seems that things have been really cool over here with me, so your sprinkes of awesome and magicks must be working. Take care, Mx. Punk.
7 April 2012: Post updated with notes for first and fourth paragraphs. Read “notes” and “comments” for clarification.
Hey, I dont even know how to ask this, but I would like to get in touch with you. I have a personal issue that I would not like to speak about and I figured you would be the best one to understand. Is there any way for me to chat with you offline?
I’ll contact you. I don’t know how to make a “Contact Me” section like some peoples blogs have, so that is about the only thing I can think to do.
Message sent, by the way.
If anyone knows how to make a “Contact Me” page please let me know. It would simplify the process of people asking me questions, especially if they don’t want to talk about it in a public forum.
hi!
this is how i did it (there might be a better way, i dunno): create a new page and give it an appropriate title. then, in the field where you’d normally write stuff, insert a “custom form”. there’s a little icon just above the tet options (bold, italics, etc.) and beside the words “upload/insert”. you can type stuff in the text field before/after you add the custom form. i hope that works!
oops. i meant “text options”. cupcakery!