Ellen DeGeneres' coming out in the media as we...

Ellen DeGeneres' coming out in the media as well as her sitcom, "ranks, hands down, as the single most public exit in gay history", changing media portrayals of lesbians in Western culture. Streitmatter, p. 104. (Photo credit: Wikipedia) (Took me a while to even find a related photo)

I know I haven’t written nearly as many blogs this month as I had in previous months, but that isn’t because I haven’t had thoughts and ideas rattling around in my head per say.  I have reflected a lot on my sexual orientation, and my ultimate want to find a nice relationship with another woman and settle down.  Not that I am really rambunctious or not settled, but I am in a phase in my life where that has become more of a priority.  I could certainly take a moment to reflect on how wonderful I find women, but I must first talk about another thing.  Since I have been trans, out and transitioning that is, I haven’t had a single rewarding relationship with a woman.  And though at first that didn’t bother me I am getting to a point where I really want a relationship again.  And this is where as a lesbian and a demisexual I find myself in a snag.  It seems to complicate what is already complicated.

I have something of a squish, asexual equivalent to a crush, from time to time.  But when it comes to most people, I just don’t feel attracted to them.  In fact, it’s been many years since I experienced sexual attraction to someone I wasn’t romantically involved with.  Sex was always a point of disdain for me, as it always contrary to want I really wanted.  Don’t get me wrong, sex with the right person is wonderful.  Sex with a stranger is however a fucking nightmare.  Sex for me isn’t about the act of sex, it’s about the act of sharing my emotions with the person I love.  It can be a very powerful form of expression, and ultimately wonderful.  But for me it must be a property of my love and emotions for them, or it just doesn’t work.  And it seems, to at least me that it’s taking a lot longer time for me to reach an emotional threshold with most people.  Even as much as I adore women, it doesn’t change my ever dynamic way of experiencing sexuality because of being being demisexual.

I don’t know why I am like this, but sexuality and emotions are inextricably linked for me.  Dating being a trans woman is already hard enough, and it seems really obnoxious that there is now a whole other layer to it.  And the biggest clincher about this for me, is that it’s not the sex I want, it’s the emotional bond I want.  I have always been like that.  And while is possible for me to be sexual, a person who does not have sex, an asexual, or grey-A person, I am still open to a relationship of that sort.  I honestly at one point it time resented sex, I resented it with a passion because it just felt wrong.  Mind you, that isn’t entirely gone, but it is much diminished.  But now what I am faced with is that I do have a longing, and ache in my soul to find a partner again and it’s so redundantly, ridiculously hard in our culture.  Even with all the progress that has been made, there is still a lot of difficulty in being an openly queer woman in it.

An asexual symbol that originates from the AVE...

An asexual symbol that originates from the AVEN community (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bisexual woman who aren’t out to everyone may refuse or decline, or just be hesitant to enter a relationship with a lesbian.  Some lesbians find the idea of being with a trans woman to be worse than being with a man.  Probably the best accepted area I fall into is under being non-binary, but I meet so few non-binary people in my day-to-day, online, or on dating websites.  Now, that being said, the younger generation of lesbians are a lot more trans friendly, trans accepting.  However, I don’t tend to date often in groups that are around 10 years younger than me in age.  It’s not discriminatory, it’s just the age gap can create a disparity between our value systems, or just make it purely difficult to connect with.  I am sure there are accepting groups of lesbian out there, but it just doesn’t seem I am meeting them.  I am sure though, that to a degree that will get easier with time.  The reason I feel that is because as I transition I become more adjusted and easier to get along with in my blossomed identity.

The chaotic and life altering nature of transition that all trans people go through can bring so much chaos into our lives that no sane person would date us until the storm calmed.  As a result those trans accepting lesbians will start to feel a little more like I am approachable, hopefully.  And all in all, I am new to the whole bit.  I haven’t been around the halls for long, and I am still learning.  I am a queer identified non-binary biromantic demisexual lesbian (quite a mouthful).  I appreciate men, women, transgender, and non-binary people, but I am only sexuality attracted to women and non-binary people, 95% of the time.  I guess for a while I was really caught up in the frustration of feminism, or at least some types of feminism and their positions on transsexuals.  Things like the book “Transsexual Empire” still make me cringe, and those types of dogmas and thoughts are hurtful to people like myself.  I still care about those things, but I just got to a point were I saw no point in getting all wound up around them.

I am sure other people like me watching my blogs would see that I’d eventually get to that point, and here I am.  I’ll still give a transphobic feminist the educated position for their incorrect tone and position, but I just don’t care about trying to sooth feminism into accepting me.  I still identify with the goals of feminism, but I identify with a broader set of goals.  Gender equality will be good not just for men and women, but for trans and non-binary people alike.  So what does this all have to do with how I experience dating as a demisexual lesbian?  Everything.  It is our ideological goals that directly affect the type of partner we make.  How settled we are within ourselves affects the successes of our relationships.  How happy we are within who we are makes love either wonderful or problematic.  This self discovery is something of my goal and my journey as the queer woman who I am.  Coming out of ones shell and becoming a complete person is an amazing and perspective altering journey.

While self portraits aren't the only way you can tell how I person feels about themselves, or get the state of their self-image they can certainly be revealing. I find more happiness in my life now and while I do get lonely, I am better for the trials I have gone through. This self-portrait is at least 1 of the fruits of that effort. how do you think I see myself?

To me it is through finding myself that someone else will find me.  Because if I don’t take care of myself, then who will?  Perhaps I am totally and utterly wrong.  But throughout my life I always found relationships hard, mostly because I didn’t even understand entirely who I was.  I mean how do you have a relationship with this immense unresolved torment in your heart?  How do you love when you can’t even love the person you are at this very moment?  I asked myself these questions and billions more, and throughout my life I’ll search for these questions, and find the answers.  I guess I really am a true INFP.  I guess I know in my self that I still have work to do, and things will get better as I go.  But I think I am starting to round the bend, and stand out and away from the chaos that was once a prevalent part of trying to sort out who exactly I was.  I feel, that maybe in some degrees that is why I long for a relationship again.  Not because I am done with my journey, but because accepting, embracing, debugging, and coming to terms with myself has opened my heart to the world again.

You can’t embrace the world with a closed heart, and that is true not because I believe or feel its true, but because it is clear through understanding it.  I now have the tools to both find a relationship, and succeed at it.  I know myself well enough to accept that I am me, and be relatively not phased by those who get skittish about me being me.  Maybe it’s all wrong, maybe one day I’ll have another epiphany that makes me aware of my folly.  So long as I search for the answers I feel I’ll do fine.  While it may be a little lonely sometimes, I’ll be okay.  That’s not self reassurance, but knowledge of earlier experience speaking.  It certain sucks, a lot, to seek and not find, but I am finally in a position for that effort to be fruitful.  Dating as a lesbian is not easy regardless of your background or who you are.  There are many social issues, as well as dynamics of interpersonal relationships that come into play.  Until we exist out there in a state of equality with the rest of the world it will continue to be difficult to a degree.  But difficult does not equal impossible, and I am ready to face the world as it comes.