Reason

Reality isn't always an easy pill to swallow. As human beings our perspective can sometimes, and often vary slightly from what is real in favor of what is comfortable. Reality for me is that I am who I am, and I'll either live with that or die trying to deny it. I choose the former and not the later. (Image by Rickydavid via Flickr)

Got another one of those “Come home as the person I want you to be” letters from my dad again. I know that many people out there in the world have their own independent reasons to feel one way or the other about who I am as a person. I can understand the opinions of others, even why some people may resent me for being me. However, I recognize that those opinions not based on evidence, without proof as being false. I make no political correctness out of calling wrong what is clearly incorrect, not because of a whim but because it demonstrates itself. You can believe I am wrong for X reason or Y reason (whether it be religious in nature or not).

There may have been a point where “uncertainty” for the path my life might take may have granted credence to certain claims but the time for that has passed. This is who I am, there is no wrong, ungodly, or immoral in me being myself, it simply is reality. My feelings inside have been substantiated by my experiences. Beliefs are never valid reason to treat another person poorly. I love my family, and it disheartens me to see them struggle and flounder trying to cope with who I am. It’s a rough thing to go through, believe me I know.  I carried it around longer than anyone.  But denying the reality of who I am doesn’t make it go away, nor does it make the life I once had livable. I am me, being me makes life bearable. I won’t give it up so easily.

(This is my testament to being called a fool and being told the only the person he wants to see (AKA The fictitious person he expects me to be) is welcome.  This is my testament to say “I am who I am, and there is nothing that needs to change about it. (Not that I could if I wanted)”  This is my testament to say that I know myself better than to fall into such shallow, simplistic, derogatory, bigoted thinking… This is my life and this is what I wrote.)

Your failure to understand, or to find resources to help you understand who I am is not my fault it’s yours.  There is nothing I can do about who and what I am, it just is.  You either accept it or you don’t.  The reality is not up to you to decide, something that you have vehemently and vigorously denied.  I don’t know why, but there are many reason why culture has problems accepting it.  Much of it lies in the fact that the “Male/Female Binary” we are fed from youth is a well fabricated lie.  Because of the dynamic nature of biology there is no true “male” or “female” just a varying array of degrees.  One process in any one of these can break resulting in someone like me.  This isn’t something in my head, it is very real.  You just won’t see it.  There is not a fix, prayer, glue, fixative, drug or otherwise that can fix what is set in us at birth.  Genitals don’t make you a man.
Deep down I really wish you and (My Brother) could eventually patch things up, but I can’t make that happen.  I also hope that one day you will pull the wool off your eyes and see me for who I really am, but I know that is no small task.  You can call me whatever you like, but it says more about you as a person than it does about me.  I carried the burden of who I am, did everything I thought was expected of me all the way up until it almost broke me.  You don’t, and you can’t understand what it is to feel uncomfortable in our own skin, or to know that something is fundamentally different.  You don’t know what it’s like to hate the life you had been forced to accept until it makes death seem welcoming.  I stopped hiding, that’s all I did.  You never had a son, you just insist that you did in me.  Being who I am now completes my identity and makes life seem hopeful.
The only fictitious person that exists between you and me is the person you want me to be.  I can not, but not by my accord, and I will not because I lived in sadness and despair for far to long before this time in my life.  Oh, and by the way, I still wear pants.  Believe me a fool if you want, but your words are hollow.  This behavior isn’t the gesture of a loving father, nor of one who is capable of challenging his most sacred beliefs for the sake of his child who happens to defy the concepts he stands upon.  Sometimes the things we are told as children aren’t the truth, or they are overturned by better evidence.  Denying this doesn’t erase reality, merely it defines the one who covets falsehoods as delusional.  And I’ll never come home to you with that attitude, or with any expectation that I was ever your son.  I am your daughter, I will never pretend to be anything else ever again.
If you think bashing who I am and asking me to betray myself is going to win you any fans, or grant you the results you want you can think again.  I will not explain myself to you.  You take me as I am or not at all.  I know coming to terms with who I am is not easy but there is no other way I can be, so you either do or you don’t it’s that simple.  I love you both, but I am not (old name) nor will I ever even under duress take part in that role ever again.  I am not a man, that has never been a part of who I am; though you tried your damnedest to make me that way.  My life is always open to you when you want to stop rejecting who I am.  By denying who I am now, you deny me.  There is no other way.  I’m sorry.  If you’re trying to upset me, you succeed; but that is all you succeeded at doing.  I want to come home again, I want to be a family, I want to work this out.  But my gender is non-negotiable.
With love,
Rene

Ignorance on your part doesn’t cause and error on mine.  I am not perfect, nor do I know everything, but I know a lot more than you do about myself.  Take me for my word on that, just as I take you as you present yourself to me.

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