Gender Symposium

I want to help people understand me in a way that people will latch on to…

I am a girl (woman), but not in the way society tries to define that.  It’s something I always knew.  My life wasn’t like other people.  My transition was rather “odd”, like mind over matter odd.  My body started turning before I transitioned, I cycle hormonally, get mood swings like any girl would, and I am emotionally like a girl.  I don’t like being trans, and I’d rather be an ordinary person.  But since I am, I am going to do the best I can with it.  Regardless of anything anyone tells you being trans is not a choice.  Regardless of religious or ideological preference there is no excuse for bigotry.  I like how I look, and I like it more everyday.  This doesn’t mean I’d never change anything, but that I have found peace with who I am now, which is a big deal.

Merope's kitties

Image via Wikipedia

I am an iNFp.  I am quirky, and goofy and I like joke around.  I am laid back, until something that is core to who I am, my values, or my identity is stepped on, at which point I become a hardened defender.  I am softhearted but thick-skinned.  I like emotionally stimulating movies and shows, “tear jerkers” so to speak.  I like cats because they are independent and lovable, and awesome at knowing when you need them (at least well treated kitties).  I like zesty foods, with a zing to them.  I don’t like spicy.  The biggest thing I hate about the world we live in is that it doesn’t treat me fairly.  I understand life isn’t fair, but there are places I draw a line.  And yes… My nails are blue (close up on nails below somewhere)

Discovering I was trans was the first time in my life that I ever found something that existed inside of me to be outside of my control.  My life was literally wrested away for me, or at least the life I once wanted to live before.  I wanted the American Dream.  Pfft (rolls eyes).  People who have no understanding, or no experience with it view it as a choice.  Hmm, there are choices though…  (but, not how you think )  Choice A. Drive your self into self loathing, self-destruction, anguish, pain, depression until a vile of cyanide is your drink of choice.  Choice B.  Live with it, adapt, love yourself for the diversity you represent, and inevitably live and move on with your life.

BLUE NAILS

We never asked for the pain the that comes from not knowing the joy of being a member of our birth gender. (coerced genders).  If it were possible we’d almost go to any length, sacrifice almost anything to have been born like everyone else.  But reality is reality, you can’t fight it though you can deny it to your own detriment.  My decision to live and be true to myself is as clear as the form you see standing before you.  No lie is worth your life.  All that being said, transitioning has been revealing.  It has shown both my good sides, and my bad.  It has allowed me to clean house where I once only shoved things under the rug.

I am still me, regardless of what my body looks like, regardless of the curves I now have, or of the new characteristics applied to the old.  What’s funny to me, is that all those people who don’t understand completely miss that most of the changes that happen to our body are completely chemically dependent, not a matter of genetics, or of some “predestination”.  (I still draw, I still paint, I still play music)  I am still, always have been, and always will be just that… ME.  I am not a man, that is not part of who I am.  Is Hugh Jackman and mutant with magical healing powers, and claws that protrude from his hands? (Playing a role doesn’t make you that role)

English: Hugh Jackman at the Sydney premiere f...

No.  Hugh Jackman is a person who played a role.  His gender is inconsequential to the role, the character he played just happened to coincide with his own. If the character he’d played had been a woman, or some other gender that doesn’t mean the actor’s gender changed.  You can pretend to be a man, but no amount of testosterone, or genes, or training, or even the biggest penis imaginable can make you a man.  Man, woman, other, neither, both, bi-gender, androgynous, gender queer; it matters not what your body looks like.  These qualities are things that come from inside, things you just know because that is who you are.  No amount of witchdoctor’s potion can make you something you aren’t, you are just you.  My gender is as deep and affirmed and as assured as they come… Is yours?   IF your gender comes from anywhere but from deep inside you, something all your own, then you need to look deeper.  Who am I?  I’m Reneta Scian.  I know who I am, the question is do you know who you are?

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