Project 365 #120: 300409 DIY Gender Reassignment
The first picture that popped up when I searched Gender Reassignment. I thought it was hilarious.  (Image by comedy_nose via Flickr) 

I think this title pretty much sums up the topic that has been of my mind lately.  Personally I guess I always wondered how I’d feel with this when I’d been in transition for a while.  I guess now I know how I feel about it.  I have been quite the cautious duck with putting my eggs in the “SRS Basket”.  I wanted to make sure I knew how my body functioned now, how I felt about it, and a laundry list of other objective observations I made.  I was taking my time, going slowly.  Then in hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was laying in the bath tub, of course naked, but not in any sort of specific way.  And I got to thinking about my body…  And I started crying… When I say crying, I mean bawling and whimpering aloud.  I felt so cheated for having been born with this body part of mine and not having the choice to fix it before the irreparable effects of puberty took their toll.  In a strange sense I felt as though I’d been taken advantage of by being a male, and being forced to be the male.  I often gave much to my relationship, but my anatomy was always an obstacle to my fulfillment.  This is the second time in a month I have cried about it.  I like my body, and when I am clothed I can ignore my anatomy, but my anatomy had finally caught up with me.

Human male and female - anatomical features po...

Image via Wikipedia

What I finally realized was that it was finally time to make a decision about gender reassignment.  One of these two pictures (left) was right for me, and I decided.  It would be the one on the left.  I had always felt the wish to “complete” myself, which is generally how I describe my journey; however, it had finally come to a head.  It was time to deal with this feeling head on.  I had always felt it was going that way, but I was finally able to realize that I couldn’t be my complete self in a relationship without that part in congruence.  Even my therapist felt that I had taken my time to really sort out how my body felt.  I had been very patient, generally not jumping to any conclusions.  I finally had the push, the motivation to do something about it, something I lacked before.  While I told my therapist about this episode I burst into tears aloud again, and I could barely talk.  Since that “switch” was triggered, I cry every time I think about it with any depth, or resolve.

I feel you, the reader, could use some scope on how big a deal this is.  I am private and silent when it comes to crying.  I don’t cry in public, I don’t cry in front of other people, and I tend to reserve my hurt feelings to cry sometime when I have a private moment.  Even when I cry in private it is quiet.  So for me to burst into tears in front of someone else in a very vocal manner takes a lot more than the average person.  The feelings I have about my anatomy is an overwhelming pain, capable of overcoming my natural coping mechanisms and capable of creating responses that are out of character for me.  Even in some instances of my life where I was in great pain; like when friends have died, when I was dumped or used by someone, or even times where I felt terribly alone, even when I’d been beaten for no reason I rarely cried aloud.  Only when in tremendous pain do I cry tears and vocally resound it, whether it be physical pain or emotional pain.  I think that should frame this adequately in your mind now.

A piece of art work that represent, to a degree a desire to feel sexually appealing. The image is more sensual than sexual. Being able to be happy with your body is a big factor in being sexual, therefore important to sexual intimacy.

I have come to terms with much about myself.  I am androgynous, and I am okay with that.  I am masculine and feminine to many degrees, of which I am also okay of.  But when it comes to my body, that very most personal and intimate relationship I have with its parts and how it plays into my relationships I am not.  I will never be.  It’s the part of me that comes into play when I think about finding someone to love, and someone to love me.  It’s a part of my life that is very much a need of mine.  Intimacy and touch are extremely important; however, my genitals are an obstacle to my wanting that deepest of intimacies, SEX.  Essentially, the idea of having sex is totally killed by the idea of me having penetrating sex, (verses the penetrated sex).  The idea of having sex in such a way for me is quite horrible, not necessarily because I lack the ability to have sex in such a way, but because of the emotional recourse and crying that is sure to ensue if I do.  The obstacle to my happiness in a relationship with sexual intimacy is severely hampered by my anatomical situation.

Many cisgendered people in our society often underestimate, or misunderstand the dire state of necessity some of us have for Sexual Reassignment Surgery, or SRS.  If they were to weigh the risk benefit analysis for those of us who change gender roles, they’d likely believe that it’s totally the wrong route to go, that in their opinion the risks of transition outweighs the benefits.  Some may argue, “You can’t have children”, or “You can’t get married”, but the very nature of our conditions often negates the benefit of any pro you can make when the game changing factor is gender identity.  We make ourselves sterile, diminish our chances of finding a partner, disappoint even alienate family and friends, undergo expensive medical interventions, and make ourselves the target of hatred, and bigotry for the sake of happiness.  We do it, because the benefits of being “cisgender” are not possible for us, because self-loathing, depression, and suicidal ideation negates any pro you could attribute to it.  They see an incomplete picture not seeing the situation for what it is, and that is the gender identity rules your entire being from the background.  This is something I know all too well.  It’s not a force you can escape from.

Having a healthy fertile cisgendered partner is counteracted by difficulty forging and sustaining relationships due to things like depression, self-hatred, despair, hopelessness, et cetera; likewise, suicidal ideation disposes of all pros of not transitioning as too great a risk and mitigates the cons of transitioning.  Suicide is a far more likely fate for untreated transsexuals with severe dysphoria than all the medical contraindications of treatment, or chance of being the target of a hate crime combined.  People may view me as an irrational, delusional transsexual person for doing what I am doing; however, I have taken the time to weigh the gravity of my unique situation.  Ultimately, it’s not that there isn’t a capacity to understand why a person would transition, but an unwillingness to even consider it from some in heteronormative society.  I bring this up, I guess, because I am considering the positions of my family members to the fact that I have decided to have the surgery.  I mention it because of realizations, over many moments of clarity, of how the cons of not transitioning and the pros of transition greatly outweigh the pros of cisgender life and the cons of being a transsexual.

"If you don't love yourself, who will?" - Reneta Scian

For so long I have felt incomplete, and now it’s finally time for me to find my completion.  I don’t use nor like the “wrong body” argument.  I am in the right body, but in a condition that requires medical intervention.  Or so I have concluded, that I will be a woman, in the best possible way I can be.  This is who I am.  The naked body isn’t a sexual thing, though it is sexed.  We should be able to do as we see fit with it.